Taking Criticism Without Losing Confidence

Criticism is something we all face. Whether we are writers, business owners, or just casually putting ourselves out there in any way, we often find we are subject to criticism. How we handle criticism can make all the difference. Do we let it discourage us, or do we use it as a tool for growth?

This week, as we talk about overcoming criticism, I would be remiss if I didn't share with you my own personal battle with criticism and how I handle it. 

I want to preface this story by saying I am in a much better state of mind today, than I was during the time this example occurred. I have learned a lot about myself and have grown exponentially as a human. I recognize that not everyone is in the same frame of mind today as I am, and that is okay. Please read this with an open heart and mind.

Several years ago, I was on the receiving end of an email that was sent to me with one purpose in mind—to hurt me. The email targeted things the sender knew were insecurities I possessed, like my appearance, my weight, and my infertility.

I read as I was told that no one would listen to a frumpy overweight woman when it came to establishing their business. I was told I should wear suits, fix my frizzy hair, and have fake nails if I wanted to get their attention (and money). The email stated that no one would ever believe me if I didn't lose a substantial amount of weight. But the kicker was the final sentiment that read - "I hope to god you never have children."

That email came at a time when I was extremely vulnerable. It was not that far after my miscarriage and the layoff from the job I had hoped to retire from. I was struggling with my many different things then that all contributed to a lack of confidence in myself. I took what this person said to heart as I shut down my business completely...for several years.

Looking back, I am saddened by the hurt that was caused by someone who disregards the value of lifting others up, but I have forgiven her. I have since forgiven myself for allowing these mis-truths to cause me to freeze in place for as long as it did while I didn't work towards what I felt God was calling me to do.

I have had to face my insecurities head on to help me be more confident in what I was offering others. Some things I could change, some I couldn't, and I had to be okay with not being able to fix things that others felt were not good for business. I learned that being authentic is what make us unique, and when we are our most authentic selves, we will attract the right people to do business with. I am grateful for her response, because in that, I learned the kind of person I never want to do business with.

It's easy for people to hide behind the keyboard as they hurl insults at you without knowing your full situation. This individual didn't know about my auto-immune disease, my allergies, or my infertility. They also didn't know that the frizzy hair has been on my head since I was a child and is par for the course with someone with curly hair who lives in Ohio where whether is unpredictable and no matter how much frizz control you use, any amount of humidity or moisture in the air will cause it to frizz right up. 

These attributes I have are things that make me...well...me. I have stopped looking at them as insecurities and have embraced who I am as God has created me. I have taken steps to become healthier, not just physically, but mentally as well. I no longer allow criticism to bear weight in my decisions. Instead, I look at it as a learning opportunity for growth.

Here is how I do this:

1. Know the Difference: Helpful vs. Hurtful Criticism

Helpful Criticism is constructive, specific, and comes from a place of wanting to see you grow.

Hurtful Criticism is vague, overly harsh, or rooted in personal opinion rather than objective feedback.

Before reacting, ask yourself: Is this feedback meant to help me, or just hurt me? 

If it is constructive, it is okay to take it in and learn from it. If it is unnecessary, please let it go.

2. Respond, Don't React

It's natural to feel defensive when we receive criticism, but a quick reaction often leads to regret. Instead of reacting immediately, try these:

Pause - Take a deep breath before responding

Process - Ask yourself: "Is there truth in this?"

Pray - Seek God's wisdom in how to handle the feedback

Proverbs 15:1 reminds us, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Responding with grace can turn even tough criticism into a learning moment.

3. Filter the Feedback, Keep the Growth

Not all feedback should be accepted, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't listen. When sorting through criticism, try this approach:

If it aligns with your values and goals - apply it

If it challenges you in a way that promotes growth - consider it

If it attacks who you are instead of what you do - discard it

4. Keep Showing Up

This is a hard one even for me. One of the hardest things about criticism is that it can make us want to shrink back. But don't let the fear of criticism stop you from doing what you are called to do.

A friend recently reminded me that when I am faced with God and He asks me why I didn't do what He called me to, if my answer is because of what someone else said, He's going to remind me that He didn't call that person, He called ME. The choice is mine alone, and I will bear the consequences of those choices. This makes me want to ensure that I am discarding the criticism that comes my way that attacks who I am quicker next time.

Even Jesus faced criticism, but He continued His mission. In John 15:18, He reminds us, "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first."

You are not alone in this. If you are a writer, keep writing. If you are a creator, keep creating. If you have a business, keep showing up. If you are just trying to get through each day, keep being you. Trust that God will use even the toughest moments to shape you.

Criticism will always be a part of our lives, but it doesn't have to define us. When we learn to filter feedback, respond with grace, and keep moving forward, we turn criticism into an opportunity for growth instead of defeat.