My spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak
This year has taught me something extremely important—my body is breaking down.
It's a natural thing that happens as we age, but, there have been some circumstances this year that have sped up the process a bit. I'm not afraid of getting older, but I am worried that if I am unable to get a handle on my health soon, I'll only struggle more as I age.
After surgery in February, I shared with you how worried I was that I wouldn't be able to fully use my right arm again. Now, six months later, that worry has become reality. The most weight I can pick up is still right around one pound. I tried five pounds and the pain in my arm lasted for a week. Patience...I keep telling myself. They said it could take a year or more to fully get my use back.
By the end of each week, I have to wear my compression sleeve and glove for a few days over the weekend to combat the swelling I still have from using it so much with working. It's exhausting. It's frustrating. To be honest, I'm kinda over this struggle. I just want to be on the other side.
While I wish I could say my arm was the only problem surgery caused, that wouldn't be truthful. It has wrecked my digestion, tanked my bloodstream, and spun my hormones out of control. I'm fighting anemia, a folate deficiency, and a plethora of other issues women face. To put it mildly, last week I had a cyst rupture on my right ovary so large it collapsed my ovary. Yes, that is a thing. Did I know that could happen? Absolutely not, but the ultrasound showed that my ovary was completely missing, which my doctor explained to me how that happens. Our bodies are complex.
So, while I'm battling my emotions and fighting the fatigue from everything, I hurt all over. The pain was intense last week. So bad I had no choice but to rest. And while in a state of rest, my mind got carried away.
It was a stark reminder of the one thing I desire most being void in my life—a child, specifically my biological child. And once again, I ask, why not me?
I am met with silence.
Infertility is such an awful thing to experience. Some do get blessed with a child or children, but others, like me, are left empty handed. The heartache never leaves. It does NOT ever get easier to handle. It always hurts, like a piece of your heart is missing. Constantly missing. I ask God all the time, why can't I let this one thing go? Why can't I just be okay with the fact that I never had children of my own? Again, I'm met with silence.
And so I do the only thing I know how to do. I get up and I get to work. I fill my time with things that make me happy so I can stay out of my head. Every day I pray upon waking, study the scripture, and ask God to direct my every step. And at the end of the day, I thank Him for it all. Because despite not having children, I am blessed.
If you look closely at the photo I shared above, you'll likely see pain behind my eyes and a fake smile plastered on my face. Look even closer and you'll see the tears welling up too. Normally, I wouldn't share a photo like this because it's not perfect. But, I am not perfect. Like each of you, I am out here just trying to survive each and every day while also sharing love and kindness with others.
The reason I choose to do this is because I have suffered in silence most of my life. I've not shared the depths of my heart or the fears and worries I have in my mind. No one really knew the weight I carried from the grief that pulls me down every day. Because I didn't tell anyone.
Chances are, some of you don't share your struggles either. And that, my friend, is why I'm here now. You are not alone. I am right beside you.
My spirit longs for the ability to lead a women's ministry that impacts the Kingdom in a mighty way. But my flesh is failing me physically.
And so, I step back. I slow down. I reevaluate and determine what it is that I can physically withstand and I regroup. Ever evolving, ever changing, and always open to the prompting of the spirit.
This year has been difficult for me. There's no denying that.
But because of the difficulties I faced, I am currently in what I refer to as a state of flow. Where ideas and creativity are moving through me at rapid speed. My designs are becoming more impactful, my books are becoming more meaningful, and my work for my clients are revealing their hearts in big ways. So perhaps, though difficult, this is exactly what I needed to help me dig deep and tap into new territories to fulfill what God is calling me to do.
If I have to slow down on design work because my arm cannot keep up, I understand. It opens up my time to be able to pour into a new series I'm writing but utilizing speech to text. And that, my friend, is beautiful.
This season will pass, it always does. But while my flesh is weak, I'll continue to pray and nurture my spirit in a way that honors God and loves my neighbor. Every single day.
"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." Matthew 26:41 NIV
When your days are hard, pray even harder.
With Grace, Shonda Ramsey