Building a Lasting Community of Friends

In Chapter 14 I share with you the importance of (re)building your community after hardship. 

In case you haven't been following along the last few weeks, let me catch you up to speed. In Chapter 3, I express the importance of seeking solitude in hardship, a time spent between just you and God, so that you can build your relationship with Him.

The reason why solitude is mentioned at the beginning of the book, is because in my personal experience, when hardships fell on my doorstep, I found that my community fell out of step with me. This resulted in feeling like I had to shoulder the hardship alone, causing me to retreat inward.

At first, it was a coping mechanism to guard my heart against further hurt from friendships that were ending. But then I started using my time alone to establish moments of solitude where I would study, pray, and worship. Those moments helped me deepen my faith and relationship with God which then allowed me the wisdom needed to rebuild my community with a fresh, Godly perspective. 

As you can see there are ten chapters in between these two chapters by design. As you grow, learn, and surrender your heart, you become more and more resilient, joy begins to return, and then you realize you are finally ready to rebuild your community again.

When I first entered the rebuilding phase, I reached out to my inner circle of friends first. Inviting them back into my life felt intimidating at first because I wasn't sure who would accept the invitation. Not everyone did. 

It's important to know that some relationships are irreparable, the separation you endured during hardship may have proven too difficult to just pick back up where you left off. Other relationship may pick back up but with apprehension, and those rare few will pick back up as if no time has passed. During this process it is crucial that you give grace to those whom you are inviting back into your life, as well as to yourself. 

This is a time when your mindset will be tested - how strong has your faith become? Trusting God to bring back those who He wants you to fellowship with is daunting. I struggled with this. My heart ached with every irreparable relationship that came with rejections to my invitations. What I found is that not everyone cared about my suffering, they only wanted me to be around them when I was fun and happy. Truth is, I am not always fun and happy, and I refuse to pretend that I am. 

I long for a community of friends that accept me as I am - messy and all. I'm weird, I'm awkward, I'm often critical (of myself and at times of situations), I'm grumpy (ok, this happens quite a bit, and I'm really sorry!), I am emotional, I'm energetic, I'm excitable, and I am also a blast to be around (sometimes). You cannot pick and choose which version of me you'll get because when I am my authentic self, you may see many of these sides while we spend time together. 

Just as you cannot pick which side you'll get from me, I also cannot pick which side I get from you. I recognize that humans are complex. We all feel differently, process differently, and heal differently. This is why I choose to love unconditionally, through all the seasons that life throws.

Two things are the foundation of building a lasting community of friends:

1. Forgiveness
2. Acceptance

Instead of beating myself up for losing friends to begin with, I choose to forgive those who reject me, God for allowing the hardship, and myself for not making wiser choices. The act of forgiveness also needs to be accompanied by keeping no record of wrongs. Once you forgive someone, you have to forget it. I know this is easier said and done, and for the longest time I would always say that I could forgive but I would never forget. It was in my time during solitude when I studied 1 Corinthians that I really thought about the meaning of 1 Corinthians 13:5 (NIV): "It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

If I say I forgive but I actively keep record of that which I am forgiving, that means I am still holding onto resentment. This can be problematic! So, instead of saying you need to forgive and forget, I want to encourage you to forgive and choose to keep no record of wrongs. It is by doing this, you are leading with love.

In addition, recognizing that others are different than us isn't enough. It's easy to recognize we are all not alike in how we act, dress, and believe. The challenge lies in accepting others who are not like us. A friendship has two sides, one from each person, in order to make it sustainable and strong. You can be friends with someone who is opposite of you, but only if you both accept each other. Again, this is a give and take situation, if only one is fully accepting, it makes the relationship off-balance, which could have catastrophic outcomes.

When you develop friendships that have deep roots, you'll be able to weather the storms that come to either of your lives, together. This doesn't happen magically, but comes with hard work that both of you put into the development of your relationship. 

Don't be afraid to invite all of your friends over to meet each other. Even though they may all have different backgrounds, beliefs, and interests, they may still enjoy the company of one another. 

I have decided to start a new tradition of fellowship with my community, where we get together in my home often, for food, fun, and great conversations. It is something I used to do many, many years ago, but stopped when life got hard during the foster care process. During my season of hardship, we would have one or two people over at a time, but only when I felt I could genuinely show up and pretend to be happy. Because this was rare, I feel like I've lost a lot of time and missed out on precious memories. 

The time to rebuild my community is now, it has already begun and will continue to grow and develop as time progresses. When you are in a place where you are ready to rebuild your community, I encourage you to begin by inviting everyone over for a meal. I usually have my guests bring their favorite side dish to share so we all have something we love to eat. Just sit and have fellowship with one another, no expectations, no schedule, just each other. 

If you don't have a circle of friends, you're always welcome to join mine.

With Grace, Shonda